Many of life’s decisions are important and it is amazing how one decision impacts so many others. It is a complex web we weave as we move from choice to choice. Certainly, some decisions are more important than others as they impact other people, carry potentially heavy financial consequences, have potential health affects for you and others, are emotional and stressful, have a legal dimension, not to mention long term implications. You guessed it, the decision to get married is one of those very important choices for many of these reasons. Ironically, it is one of those decisions that often is not given the time, thought, and commitment it deserves. This is probably because it is that “happy time” when everyone focuses on the expected benefits and seem blind to the many possible expected costs. Frankly, we know there is a problem with the decision making process, because over fifty percent of current marriages end in divorce. This is surely a failing grade and it must reflect, to a large degree, on how the question/choice should I get married? is answered. 

Application Insights-Should I Get Married? is designed to help people follow the decision making rules better and identify and evaluate alternatives and general information that might often be missing from the common thinking process. Insights provide more study, more thinking, and more of a willingness to consider costs of a choice as much as the benefits may improve the odds that a marriage will be successful. Remember, that decision making is a personal activity and it is all about you (and hopefully your future spouse), but don’t let this personal view make you unable to hear important ideas that you don’t want to hear, but need too. Remember, people seem to have a natural ability to seek out and hear ideas that support their existing view and they create barriers to contrary thoughts. This condition seems prevalent for the marriage question and needs to be overcome. Simply keeping an “open mind” is absolutely necessary. To help open the mind, review the following areas that are linked to marriage and list both the advantages and the disadvantages of each for you and your possible marriage partner. This is not an exhaustive list but it will help you get the most from your decision making guide activity and fine tune the basics derived from the real world case to your special circumstances.

• Emotional well being
• Financial status
• Risk management and insurance
• Housing and location
• Accomplishment of goals now and in the future
• Spending money
• Stability
• Freedom
• Relationships with others (family and friends)
• Recreational options
• Children

Wow, this is a lot to think about and yes, it is! Use this information and perspective to jump into the decision making guide one more time with more insights.

• The decision to get married is an important one. It is one that many people would like to think is a lifelong choice. This dimension suggests that it might be helpful to revise the question to read is this person a person that I love and feel I can love for the rest of my life realizing that we will experience both good things and bad things from the relationship and our surroundings. In addition, people change over time for a variety of reasons and will my commitment to this person be flexible enough to cope with change. This expanded question may seem to take the fun out of the choice, but it does offer a perspective that will allow for more things to be considered and for a greater acceptance of costs inherent in the decision. It also makes it clear that the choice is made by two people. Both parties need to be included in the decision making process for all of the pertinent information to be considered. It might be wise to have each of the decision making parties follow the decision making guide by themselves and then come together and follow the process collectively.
        
• Clarifying values and restating your life’s goals are important procedures to follow when considering marriage. Because it may have been awhile since you identified your values and reviewed your goals reflecting on them now will be helpful. Things may have changed and you need to make the necessary adjustments. You now may have a better job, more income (or less), less of a need to travel, different health concerns, or new friends to name a few important variables. It is recommended that you do this in writing. Ask your future spouse to do the same. Now comes the hard part. Come together and share your lists. Identify areas of agreement and areas of conflict. Attempt to create a value list and goal statement that is common to both. If you can succeed on this you are well on your way to the altar. If you can’t, maybe being best friends or giving the courtship a bit more time is the better choice.
       
• Getting married is both an emotional commitment and a legal one. Untying the knot may be relatively easy from an emotional perspective, but it is complicated legally. Contracts, asset distribution, tax implications, children, insurance coverage are a few of the things that need to be dealt with if your decision to get married turns out to be a mistake. With this in mind, what are the alternatives to getting married that may have many benefits and few of these costs? Is living together a possibility or maybe just friends for now. Remember that choices are not necessarily forever although this is an issue with marriage. Maybe moving more slowly is an option and ultimately marriage will be the result or not.
       
• Look closely at the alternative list and identify the expected benefits and expected costs of each. After doing this alone have your possible future spouse do the same process and come together and share. You might find that one person feels more strongly about an option than another. Commingling assets for financial efficiency may be important to one or both of you and that may or may not support marriage. Having children may be a common goal or very important to one and not that important to the other. Weigh each alternative and compare the results with each other. This may not be fun, but it will open up conversations that need to take place and will help both of you to be confident that your decision to get married (if that is the result) is the right one now and in the future.
       
• Seeking input from others is always helpful. In this case input from professionals may be more important than from peers, but both groups can shed new insight on the potential choice. Most people working on this choice may not seek advice from a marriage counselor or lawyer or divorcee, or a couple celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary, but it might be just the thing to help you make the right choice.
       
• What will it be? Wedding bells now or in the future or maybe just friends. If you choose to wait, be sure to follow the described sequence of thought once again as you return to the question. 

ADDITIONAL SOURCES

1) Marriage Maintenance When Money Is Tight.